To mark the occasion of reaching the 5 year milestone of life in the UK, I’m giving you guys a special treat, some of the best funny late night TV one-liners. Enjoy!
THE TONIGHT SHOW starring JIMMY FALLON
Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified in Congress today as part of the Russia investigation, and it wasn’t a good sign when they asked him if he swore to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, and he said [Russian accent], “Da.”
Jeff Sessions said he “doesn’t recall” having any meetings with Russians at the Mayflower. For those of you who don’t know, “doesn’t recall” is the Washington term meaning, “I definitely recall and I’m in trouble.”
A former spokesperson for President Bush tweeted that Trump should stop talking, because he’s heading towards a perjury trap. When Trump heard that and was like, “Perjury trap? That’s my favorite Lindsay Lohan movie!”
Tesla’s new Model X car just got the first ever perfect safety rating for an SUV. Now on one hand, that’s a great accomplishment; on the other, have no SUVs been safe until now?
New York lawmakers are going to reintroduce a proposal to legalize marijuana. When asked why they’re reintroducing it, they said, “Because we forgot we did it the first time.”
It’s rumored that President Trump’s upcoming trip to the U.K. is on hold because he’s worried about angry protests. I have to admit, of all the wars I thought Trump might restart, I wasn’t counting on “Revolutionary.”
It’s being reported that in the 2016 elections, Russia interfered with voting systems in at least 39 states. Which finally explains why the new governor of Wyoming is Anna Kournikova.
A new report just came out and it found that the employees at a Trump clothing factory in Indonesia are subject to low wages and verbal abuse. And even they wouldn’t change places with Sean Spicer.
After winning the NBA Championship the Golden State Warriors unanimously decided to skip the traditional visit to the White House. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, “Wait, you can do that?”
Puerto Rico has decided they want to become a U.S. state. When they heard about it, California said, “That’s great, they can take our place.”
Khloe Kardashian and Kylie Jenner are being accused of stealing the ideas of other clothing designers. They’re also being accused of stealing YEARS OF OUR LIVES.
THE LATE LATE SHOW with JAMES CORDEN
Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. This is the former NBA player and reality TV star’s fourth visit with leader Kim Jong Un, who’s been clashing with Donald Trump lately over nuclear testing. You know you’re living in strange times when the news involves Dennis Rodman, the leader of North Korea, the president of the United States — and Dennis Rodman is the one who’s the least crazy.
We have to congratulate the Golden State Warriors for winning the NBA Championship last night. It was absolutely incredible. Trump was confused because he thought the NBA Championship was like the presidential election and the second-place finisher is declared the winner. “LeBron, it’s the president. Congratulations.”
There are rumors going around already that the Warriors have voted unanimously to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump. Trump was very understanding. He was like, “Look, I get it. I skip going to the White House whenever I can, too.”
LATE NIGHT with SETH MEYERS
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has published a new book titled “Understanding Trump.” [Shows page with big text “He cray.”] And I have to say it’s a pretty quick read.
A new poll found that only 37 percent of voters think President Trump is honest. Or as Trump put it — 100 percent.
Uber CEO Travis Kalanick announced today that he is taking a leave of absence from the company. But he’ll be back in three minutes — no wait, hold on, now it’s saying five minutes. Six? Oh, no! Canceled?!
A new survey shows that men are four times more likely than women to take their cellphone out during a wedding or a funeral. While women are more likely to take their cellphone out during an argument. “I’ll tell you exactly what you said!”
Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle.
Starbucks announced yesterday that it will be teaming up with Lady Gaga to release a line of summer drinks — to wear.