Once again folks, here’s your daily dose of the best jokes and funny one-liners from those late night TV talk show hosts. Enjoy.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
We have Ray Romano on the show tonight. He stars in the new movie “The Big Sick,” which is also the name of the Republican healthcare bill.
The Senate healthcare bill came out today, and it would cut a tax on indoor tanning. Which is the biggest proof so far that Trump was actually working on the bill.
Yesterday, White House officials said Russia targeted election systems in 21 states last year. Trump was furious. He said, “I paid for all 50.”
Today, Trump tweeted that he doesn’t have recordings of his conversations with former FBI Director James Comey. He doesn’t have them. Then one guy said [Russian accent], “Don’t worry, you can borrow ours.”
Goodwill has returned almost $100,000 in cash that was mistakenly donated to them in a black duffel bag. A spokesman for Goodwill said, “We’re not very bright.”
A Muslim model has become the first woman to appear in a hijab on the cover of Allure magazine. She also appears in a fashion spread entitled, “10 Hot Looks for When You’re Detained at the Airport.”
NASA reports that it had a record 18,000 applicants to be astronauts. And apparently 1,000 more apply every time President Trump tweets.
A new survey revealed that the average time a heterosexual couple has sex is 19 minutes. In my case, that’s two minutes for sex and 17 minutes for apologizing.
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
You remember a month ago Donald Trump tweeted: “James Comey better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press.” Well, guess what, today Trump tweeted, “I have no idea whether there are ‘tapes’ or recordings of my conversations with James Comey. But I did not make and do not have any such recordings.” He’s now fact-checking himself!
Of course Trump doesn’t have a tape. Secretly taping someone would require thinking ahead — and show me one time that this president has done that.
But yeah, it turns out Trump didn’t record Comey, there are no tapes. The main reason for this is that people haven’t used tapes since 1992.
At a rally in Iowa last night, Trump unveiled a new plan for his long-proposed border wall [clip of Trump]: “We’re thinking about building the wall as a solar wall so it creates energy and pays for itself.” A solar wall. Now he’s literally blowing sunshine up our [butts].
Jimmy Kimmel Live
The NBA draft is taking place right now at Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York. The NBA draft is, I think, the most interesting draft in sports, and it’s important because it helps to decide which teams the players will be on when they lose to the Golden State Warriors next year.
This morning Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell showed us a draft of his top-secret new healthcare legislation. They opened the vault, they laid the bill out on a table, rubbed lemon juice all over it, and the text magically appeared for all to see. And wouldn’t you know it, the bill includes a big tax cut for rich people. So unless you just got drafted by an NBA team, it’s not great news.
They’re calling the plan “Bettercare,” as in: Just imagine how much better this plan would be if the people who wrote it cared.
It slashes Medicaid, which could negatively affect millions of poor and elderly people. But here’s the thing, it won’t happen until 2024. It’s gradual. Which makes you wonder: Why 2024? What is the significance of that? Will we all be in those pods from “The Matrix” by then, we won’t need healthcare?
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Senate Republicans today released a draft of their bill to repeal and replace Obamacare, which would cut taxes for richer Americans and insurance companies, and defund Planned Parenthood for one year. The bill is so bad, President Trump said, “Does anyone have any questions for me about Russia?
Alternatively, I could show you my tax returns. Do you guys want to see that?”
President Trump and the first lady hosted the congressional picnic today on the south lawn of the White House, or as Eric was told, “the north lawn.”
Following losses in two special congressional elections this week, one Democratic staffer reportedly said, “We have 80-year-old leaders and 90-year-old ranking members. This isn’t a party, it’s a giant assisted living center.” Even worse, the reporter then asked about the upcoming G7 summit, and several people yelled “Bingo!”