Twitter – A Rap (To the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)

Now this is a Tweet thread all about how, our lives got flipped, turned upside down
Now just take a minute and sit right there I’ll tell you all about how Twitters now a place of fear
MySpace is where we were born and raised
Twitter now, is where we spend most of our days
Tweetin out, hashtaggin braggin all cool
Tweetin out pics of our legs at the pool
When a coupla egg avi’s up to no good
Started making trouble in the Twitter hood
They’re racists and sexists what they Tweet they don’t care
Mostly Trump supporters, right arms in the air.
We Tweeted to @Jack & when he came near, he said he’d look into it, but he didn’t really care.
If anything Twitter intervention is rare.
We get it, you don’t care, your motives are clear.
We hashtagged and RT’d from morning till late.
Tweeting to the Nazi’s: stop with the hate.
Looked at the Twitter kingdom it was finally clear.
Time to just do Instagram and get the hell outta here.

The Best of Late Night TV Jokes – 27 June 2017

Once again folks, here’s your daily dose of the best jokes and funny one-liners from those late night TV talk show hosts. Enjoy.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

We have Ray Romano on the show tonight. He stars in the new movie “The Big Sick,” which is also the name of the Republican healthcare bill.

The Senate healthcare bill came out today, and it would cut a tax on indoor tanning. Which is the biggest proof so far that Trump was actually working on the bill.

Yesterday, White House officials said Russia targeted election systems in 21 states last year. Trump was furious. He said, “I paid for all 50.”

Today, Trump tweeted that he doesn’t have recordings of his conversations with former FBI Director James Comey. He doesn’t have them. Then one guy said [Russian accent], “Don’t worry, you can borrow ours.”

Conan O’Brien

Goodwill has returned almost $100,000 in cash that was mistakenly donated to them in a black duffel bag. A spokesman for Goodwill said, “We’re not very bright.”

A Muslim model has become the first woman to appear in a hijab on the cover of Allure magazine. She also appears in a fashion spread entitled, “10 Hot Looks for When You’re Detained at the Airport.”

NASA reports that it had a record 18,000 applicants to be astronauts. And apparently 1,000 more apply every time President Trump tweets.

A new survey revealed that the average time a heterosexual couple has sex is 19 minutes. In my case, that’s two minutes for sex and 17 minutes for apologizing.

The Late, Late Show With James Corden

You remember a month ago Donald Trump tweeted: “James Comey better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press.” Well, guess what, today Trump tweeted, “I have no idea whether there are ‘tapes’ or recordings of my conversations with James Comey. But I did not make and do not have any such recordings.” He’s now fact-checking himself!

Of course Trump doesn’t have a tape. Secretly taping someone would require thinking ahead — and show me one time that this president has done that.

But yeah, it turns out Trump didn’t record Comey, there are no tapes. The main reason for this is that people haven’t used tapes since 1992.

At a rally in Iowa last night, Trump unveiled a new plan for his long-proposed border wall [clip of Trump]: “We’re thinking about building the wall as a solar wall so it creates energy and pays for itself.” A solar wall. Now he’s literally blowing sunshine up our [butts].

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The NBA draft is taking place right now at Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York. The NBA draft is, I think, the most interesting draft in sports, and it’s important because it helps to decide which teams the players will be on when they lose to the Golden State Warriors next year.

This morning Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell showed us a draft of his top-secret new healthcare legislation. They opened the vault, they laid the bill out on a table, rubbed lemon juice all over it, and the text magically appeared for all to see. And wouldn’t you know it, the bill includes a big tax cut for rich people. So unless you just got drafted by an NBA team, it’s not great news.

They’re calling the plan “Bettercare,” as in: Just imagine how much better this plan would be if the people who wrote it cared.

It slashes Medicaid, which could negatively affect millions of poor and elderly people. But here’s the thing, it won’t happen until 2024. It’s gradual. Which makes you wonder: Why 2024? What is the significance of that? Will we all be in those pods from “The Matrix” by then, we won’t need healthcare?

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Senate Republicans today released a draft of their bill to repeal and replace Obamacare, which would cut taxes for richer Americans and insurance companies, and defund Planned Parenthood for one year. The bill is so bad, President Trump said, “Does anyone have any questions for me about Russia?

Alternatively, I could show you my tax returns. Do you guys want to see that?”

President Trump and the first lady hosted the congressional picnic today on the south lawn of the White House, or as Eric was told, “the north lawn.”

Following losses in two special congressional elections this week, one Democratic staffer reportedly said, “We have 80-year-old leaders and 90-year-old ranking members. This isn’t a party, it’s a giant assisted living center.” Even worse, the reporter then asked about the upcoming G7 summit, and several people yelled “Bingo!”

The Best of Late Night Jokes – 15 June 2017

To mark the occasion of reaching the 5 year milestone of life in the UK, I’m giving you guys a special treat, some of the best funny late night TV one-liners. Enjoy!


Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified in Congress today as part of the Russia investigation, and it wasn’t a good sign when they asked him if he swore to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, and he said [Russian accent], “Da.”

Jeff Sessions said he “doesn’t recall” having any meetings with Russians at the Mayflower. For those of you who don’t know, “doesn’t recall” is the Washington term meaning, “I definitely recall and I’m in trouble.”

A former spokesperson for President Bush tweeted that Trump should stop talking, because he’s heading towards a perjury trap. When Trump heard that and was like, “Perjury trap? That’s my favorite Lindsay Lohan movie!”

Tesla’s new Model X car just got the first ever perfect safety rating for an SUV. Now on one hand, that’s a great accomplishment; on the other, have no SUVs been safe until now?

New York lawmakers are going to reintroduce a proposal to legalize marijuana. When asked why they’re reintroducing it, they said, “Because we forgot we did it the first time.”


It’s rumored that President Trump’s upcoming trip to the U.K. is on hold because he’s worried about angry protests. I have to admit, of all the wars I thought Trump might restart, I wasn’t counting on “Revolutionary.”

It’s being reported that in the 2016 elections, Russia interfered with voting systems in at least 39 states. Which finally explains why the new governor of Wyoming is Anna Kournikova.

A new report just came out and it found that the employees at a Trump clothing factory in Indonesia are subject to low wages and verbal abuse. And even they wouldn’t change places with Sean Spicer.

After winning the NBA Championship the Golden State Warriors unanimously decided to skip the traditional visit to the White House. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, “Wait, you can do that?”

Puerto Rico has decided they want to become a U.S. state. When they heard about it, California said, “That’s great, they can take our place.”

Khloe Kardashian and Kylie Jenner are being accused of stealing the ideas of other clothing designers. They’re also being accused of stealing YEARS OF OUR LIVES.


Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. This is the former NBA player and reality TV star’s fourth visit with leader Kim Jong Un, who’s been clashing with Donald Trump lately over nuclear testing. You know you’re living in strange times when the news involves Dennis Rodman, the leader of North Korea, the president of the United States — and Dennis Rodman is the one who’s the least crazy.

We have to congratulate the Golden State Warriors for winning the NBA Championship last night. It was absolutely incredible. Trump was confused because he thought the NBA Championship was like the presidential election and the second-place finisher is declared the winner. “LeBron, it’s the president. Congratulations.”

There are rumors going around already that the Warriors have voted unanimously to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump. Trump was very understanding. He was like, “Look, I get it. I skip going to the White House whenever I can, too.”


Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has published a new book titled “Understanding Trump.” [Shows page with big text “He cray.”] And I have to say it’s a pretty quick read.

A new poll found that only 37 percent of voters think President Trump is honest. Or as Trump put it — 100 percent.

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick announced today that he is taking a leave of absence from the company. But he’ll be back in three minutes — no wait, hold on, now it’s saying five minutes. Six? Oh, no! Canceled?!

A new survey shows that men are four times more likely than women to take their cellphone out during a wedding or a funeral. While women are more likely to take their cellphone out during an argument. “I’ll tell you exactly what you said!”

Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle.

Starbucks announced yesterday that it will be teaming up with Lady Gaga to release a line of summer drinks — to wear.

The Best of Late Night TV Jokes!

I used to to do this quite a lot in the past, and now they’re back. Here’s the latest late night TV funny one-liners and jokes from the best in the late night TV business, all for your enjoyment. Thanks for reading.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We are back to work after a long weekend. It didn’t feel like a long weekend. But technically it was. I hope you had a fine Memorial Day. I hope you took time to remember the men and women who risked and sacrificed their lives so the rest of us can eat yogurt out of a tube.

Memorial Day’s become the unofficial start to summer. Summer doesn’t technically start until next month. That didn’t stop me from wearing a bikini all weekend.

There’s a new report that says more than half of American workers didn’t use all their vacation days last year. They had them, they just didn’t take them. So the people who did the study asked why. Some said they did it to impress their boss with their work ethic. The rest said, I hate my family.

A Memorial Day video made it’s rounds where you can see mysterious red lights flashing in or on the second floor window at the White House. This went on for about 20 minutes. And White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said the red light was the reflection of an ambulance in Lafayette Park. So the one thing we know for sure is the red light was definitely not the reflection of an ambulance in Lafayette Park.

Maybe it was the alarm that goes off when President Trump tries to get into Melania’s bedroom.

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump had lunch with French President Emmanuel Macron, who was just sworn in 11 days ago. Trump was like,“Well, 11 days, you must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?”

Trump is in Belgium right now, which is six hours ahead of us. He kind of liked that because when he sends a crazy tweet at 3:00 a.m., it looks like a thoughtful post at 9:00 p.m.

Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently body-slammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the body slam wasn’t a big deal — which they might regret in three years when The Rock runs for president.

A college student in Florida is accused of breaking into a building and changing his grade from an “F” to a “B.” His parents were like, “Really, you can’t even get an ‘A’ when you’re cheating?”

Conan O’Brien

The FAA is investigating why a drone appeared in the sky during a San Diego Padres game. Authorities have already ruled out the possibility that someone actually wanted to watch a Padres game.

It’s come out that the new Republican healthcare bill will hike premiums by 700 percent for the old and sick. It’s not a good sign that the title of the bill is “Walk It Off, Grandpa.”

A new poll reveals that only 1 in 4 Americans believes President Trump has actually “drained the swamp.” However, 3 out of 4 Americans believe Trump has “peed in the pool.”

Today, Mark Zuckerberg — who dropped out of Harvard University after his sophomore year — gave a commencement speech to Harvard’s graduating class. Zuckerberg began the speech with, “Hello, suckers.”

The Late Show with James Corden

Government officials confirmed this afternoon that a person of interest in the FBI’s Russia investigation is Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner. This comes at a bad time, because the Trump administration has just released its budget. Now they must be like, “Oh, we forgot to set aside bail money.”

Meanwhile, Trump continues his trip in Europe. While visiting NATO headquarters today in Brussels, he was caught on camera rudely shoving another world leader out of the way. I mean, is he a president or a bridesmaid positioning to catch the bouquet.

Trump tossed that guy aside like one of his ex-wives.

A new study from Harvard says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress.

Late Night with Seth Meyers

The Republican congressional candidate for a special election in Montana yesterday reportedly body-slammed a journalist after he asked a question about the Republican healthcare plan. Now, to be fair, that basically is the Republican healthcare plan.

During a NATO meeting today, President Trump was seen pushing aside the prime minister of Montenegro so he could move to the front of the group. You’re a world leader, a world leader at a meeting of dignitaries and you act like they just called your number at KFC.

Former President Obama reportedly received a rock star welcome at an event in Germany today, and President Trump was given a subway mariachi band welcome.

A new report recommends that couples who live together should do chores together. And for some couples, everything they do together is a chore.

Have Jokes Will Travel!

Just over 16 years ago when I got up onto a comedy stage for the the first time never in my life would I have believed that I would be performing in the middle of the South Pacific. And here I am, 42 years old, on a cruise ship making complete strangers laugh. Today I find myself in New Caledonia on the Isle of Pines. If I wasn’t doing it, someone else would be. Here’s some pics of this “tough life”. 

London – Abu Dhabi – Sydney – Fiji

My first cruise gig of 2017 kicks off with a mammoth journey from London to Suva, Fiji where I will be cruising onboard the Carnival Legend all the way to Sydney, Australia, entertaining the guests onboard with some comedy! 33+ hours of travel began with an hour in the cab to the airport. Let the fun commence.