I used to to do this quite a lot in the past, and now they’re back. Here’s the latest late night TV funny one-liners and jokes from the best in the late night TV business, all for your enjoyment. Thanks for reading.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
We are back to work after a long weekend. It didn’t feel like a long weekend. But technically it was. I hope you had a fine Memorial Day. I hope you took time to remember the men and women who risked and sacrificed their lives so the rest of us can eat yogurt out of a tube.
Memorial Day’s become the unofficial start to summer. Summer doesn’t technically start until next month. That didn’t stop me from wearing a bikini all weekend.
There’s a new report that says more than half of American workers didn’t use all their vacation days last year. They had them, they just didn’t take them. So the people who did the study asked why. Some said they did it to impress their boss with their work ethic. The rest said, I hate my family.
A Memorial Day video made it’s rounds where you can see mysterious red lights flashing in or on the second floor window at the White House. This went on for about 20 minutes. And White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said the red light was the reflection of an ambulance in Lafayette Park. So the one thing we know for sure is the red light was definitely not the reflection of an ambulance in Lafayette Park.
Maybe it was the alarm that goes off when President Trump tries to get into Melania’s bedroom.
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Today, President Trump had lunch with French President Emmanuel Macron, who was just sworn in 11 days ago. Trump was like,“Well, 11 days, you must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?”
Trump is in Belgium right now, which is six hours ahead of us. He kind of liked that because when he sends a crazy tweet at 3:00 a.m., it looks like a thoughtful post at 9:00 p.m.
Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently body-slammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the body slam wasn’t a big deal — which they might regret in three years when The Rock runs for president.
A college student in Florida is accused of breaking into a building and changing his grade from an “F” to a “B.” His parents were like, “Really, you can’t even get an ‘A’ when you’re cheating?”
The FAA is investigating why a drone appeared in the sky during a San Diego Padres game. Authorities have already ruled out the possibility that someone actually wanted to watch a Padres game.
It’s come out that the new Republican healthcare bill will hike premiums by 700 percent for the old and sick. It’s not a good sign that the title of the bill is “Walk It Off, Grandpa.”
A new poll reveals that only 1 in 4 Americans believes President Trump has actually “drained the swamp.” However, 3 out of 4 Americans believe Trump has “peed in the pool.”
Today, Mark Zuckerberg — who dropped out of Harvard University after his sophomore year — gave a commencement speech to Harvard’s graduating class. Zuckerberg began the speech with, “Hello, suckers.”
The Late Show with James Corden
Government officials confirmed this afternoon that a person of interest in the FBI’s Russia investigation is Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner. This comes at a bad time, because the Trump administration has just released its budget. Now they must be like, “Oh, we forgot to set aside bail money.”
Meanwhile, Trump continues his trip in Europe. While visiting NATO headquarters today in Brussels, he was caught on camera rudely shoving another world leader out of the way. I mean, is he a president or a bridesmaid positioning to catch the bouquet.
Trump tossed that guy aside like one of his ex-wives.
A new study from Harvard says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
The Republican congressional candidate for a special election in Montana yesterday reportedly body-slammed a journalist after he asked a question about the Republican healthcare plan. Now, to be fair, that basically is the Republican healthcare plan.
During a NATO meeting today, President Trump was seen pushing aside the prime minister of Montenegro so he could move to the front of the group. You’re a world leader, a world leader at a meeting of dignitaries and you act like they just called your number at KFC.
Former President Obama reportedly received a rock star welcome at an event in Germany today, and President Trump was given a subway mariachi band welcome.
A new report recommends that couples who live together should do chores together. And for some couples, everything they do together is a chore.